For the Ladies
1 December 1998
Your Friend is Welcome at Our Party
Your friend is most welcome at our party. Perhaps you are thinking, "Will my friend languish without attention, while all eyes and thoughts are upon me? I am a lovely and fascinating woman, but I am also considerate and kind, and do not wish my friend to suffer loneliness and embarassment while I enchant all around me."
But no, you need not think that. I admit that I will be hopelessly attentive to your every word and gesture, blissfully unaware if the rest of the room is occupied by my friends and family or if it is filled with seven-foot lizards smoking Monte Cristo cigars and talking Esperanto. But you need not rest your friend's hope of party enjoyment upon my distracted head. For my roommates are most suave and excellent gentlemen, they are the pillars upon whom I depend, and with them to extend complete and generous hospitality, your friend will delight in her party experience.
One of my roommates will meet your friend at the door and take her jacket if she so chooses. He will carefully put it away in a clean, dry place and remember where he put it for later. Or if she chooses to keep her jacket on, he will not put her jacket away in a clean, dry place. Then, either the same roommate or my other roommate will prepare a beverage for your friend. And he will not simply ask "uh, you want a beer?" No, instead he will offer her a choice of fine imported and domestic beers and other beverages including vodka and the finest wines. And any beverage she requires will be served to her in our second cleanest glass, the cleanest glass having already been reserved by me for your lips alone.
If your friend asks where the bathroom is in our apartment, either of my roommates will give accurate and helpful directions, directing her neither to some non-bathroom room within our apartment, nor to some room outside our apartment entirely, nor to another building. Instead, he will discreetly give her directions that enable her to find the room on her own without any need for guiding or assistance.
You will find that upon speaking to your friend after the party she will have had a marvelous time. My roommates will help me utterly in this act of hospitality that I extend to you and to your friend whom you choose to accompany you in your delightful long-awaited visit to our home.