For the Ladies
  1 December 1998

I Will Never Be as Romantic as He Is

Macaroni And Cheese

Your Friend is Welcome at Our Party

16 April 2001: Added link to updated calendar for Linux events in the New York City area.

For the Ladies (1 December 1998)

I'm going to tell you where you should look for a good man, how you should prepare to get him, and finally, what to do to get him. I'm not telling you to be insincere or not to be yourself -- just mentioning a few ways to show yourself off to best advantage. And before you protest that I'm being a cold-blooded manipulative bastard as regards your future significant other, remember we're talking about a hypothetical man here, and I can be as manipulative as I want with hypothetical people. If I really do get to know him I'll probably get to like him, though, and I won't have anything to do with manipulating real people. Since it's awkward to keep saying "this guy" or "your man" I'll call him Ernest.

Where to look: Free software user group meetings

But you'll want to stay away from men who use proprietary software. Acceptance of proprietary licenses will, in the long run, break a man's spirit and you'll either end up with an underperformer or he'll turn really bitter and mean, which you don't want if you're going to try to raise a family with him. So that means your Ernest is a self-respecting person who uses free software.

Now, not just any free software user will do. You can't have somebody who just takes from other people, makes money and doesn't have proper manly protective and helping instincts. You want a man with family potential, who's not greedy. That means your Ernest helps out other free software users as part of a user group. Besides, user groups are becoming an economic force, like the Freemasons, so Ernest, as a member, will be a better provider in the long run. And, in the long run, a user group will give him something to do to get out of the house and not hang around and get on your nerves. A lot of this applies to church members too, but knowing my audience for this site I'm probably going to get further telling people to go to a user group.

Today, the most popular free software user groups have "Linux" in their names, but if you can find an organization that's focused on Perl, Apache, or one of the BSD operating systems you'll probably do well too. Almost all free software works well together, and so do the people.

What you need: friends and a computer

You'll probably want to talk about Ernest, how things are going with him, and your plans for him, and the last person with whom you want to get into a conversation on this subject is Ernest himself. So, you need friends. Be nice to your sisters if you have them, your close women friends, and your close, gay men friends. You'll be depending on them to have someone to talk to, especially in the early stages of your conquest. You might have straight men friends with whom you want to share, but leave them out of the loop -- placid as they may be on the surface, chances are at least one of them will be struggling to make his peace with a crush on you, and confiding in him will hurt him. The more friends you have over which to spread the conversation load, the better.

And you need a computer to draw Ernest out. He'll be very comfortable and easygoing around a computer, so you'll get to know the real Ernest much better when you're working on the computer than separately. Think of it as a high-tech substitute for shucking corn. If you don't have a computer you can get Ernest's help picking one out, or, better yet, building one, instead.

What do do

1. Go to a free software user group meeting. Find a group through GLUE, or, if you're in the San Francisco Bay Area or New York City, look up a meeting on BALE or Casandra's calendar respectively.
2. Mingle. Meet plenty of people, including, we hope, Ernest. Usually there's an after-meeting event at these things, where everyone goes to Denny's or something. Go, and sit at a table with Ernest and others.
3. Get in a conversation with Ernest. Keep this conversation on computer subjects, where Ernest is comfortable. Find a piece of common ground -- something Ernest is familiar with that you would like to install, a program you both know, something.
     This after-meeting conversation is your last opportunity to "multi-task" around Ernest for a while. You're at a table with a bunch of people, so you can converse with all of them. After this point, you will need to focus completely on Ernest for a while when others are around. If you get distracted by anything, even a major asteroid impact with the earth, Ernest will probably interpret this as lack of interest on your part. It's strange but that's the way the Y chromosome works.
4. Get help with your computer. Arrange with Ernest to meet up and get help with something you pretty much understand. Ask him in specific terms and make yourself look knowledgeable. If you don't understand your free software of choice very well, learn how to do one task, like setting up a web server, as well as you can, then get Ernest's help with the rest of that task. There's so much to do in the world of free software that you can always get up to Ernest's level in something. You must not be helpless or dependent here. Approach this step as Ernest's equal or near-equal, so that he doesn't get distracted by trying to slow down to what he thinks is your level. Keep up, take notes if you have to, and ask good questions. Make time for this, and don't do it at a time or place where there's any possibility you could get distracted. Turn off your pager or cell phone if you have them. You must pay complete attention to Ernest and what he's doing, or don't bother. No multi-tasking!
     After this you can take Ernest out for lunch, coffee, or something casual in the daytime to thank him for his help. If you did this step right he will feel that you really have something in common, and he will mentally be giving you some "ideal woman points." Here's where you can start to get to know Ernest a little better with personal but light conversation. Good topics: books, movies, music, childhood pets, funny complaints about work. Bad topics: news headlines, romantic history, family dysfunction, personal finance, serious complaints about work. This is where you can give him your phone number if you haven't already.
     The risk of this step is that Ernest might start to think of you as a friend instead of in a romantic way. So, don't do any of step 4 too much. For now, it's just to get to know him and give him a chance to know you.
   If you don't want this one: If this guy turns out not to be Ernest after all, but is somebody you want to make friends with, immediately stop seeing him alone or sending him individual mail -- only as part of a group or a mailing list until he gets the point.
5. Thinking of you mail. Now that you know Ernest a little, mail him -- briefly -- when you think about something that might interest him. Don't forward him the joke-of-the-week you get from your idiot bad-joke-mailing friend (everybody has one) but send him stuff that's related to something you have in common. References to articles from good sites such as The Onion or slashdot.org might be good, but better to send news of small events from your life too. The point here is to let Ernest know you're thinking of him during the day, which will drive him into a frenzy of desire.
     This mail should not have any romantic content until after you have gone out on a proper date -- the romance is in the fact that you're sending it. Be low-key because letting Ernest know you're thinking of him is excitement enough at this stage. And, of course, don't unload on him. That's why you have friends.
     You can meet up with Ernest casually a few times while you're doing this, either to do step 4 computer stuff or for lunch or coffee. But don't introduce him to your friends, get into heavy conversations with him, or spend too much time with him at this stage. You don't want him to pigeonhole you as a friend or take you for granted -- leave him wanting more. Again, don't spend time with Ernest if you're available for distraction of any kind. Phone and beeper off. He will interpret distraction as lack of interest at this point.
6. First date. By now, Ernest may or may not ask you out. If he doesn't, don't worry about it. You can ask him out. Pick an event that would be interesting to both of you even if it wasn't a date, like a good movie, brewery tour if you both like beer, or a new exhibit at a museum. It shouldn't be someplace where either of you is likely to meet someone you know. If you do run into a friend while you're with Ernest on a first or early date, brush the friend off -- he or she will understand. Don't get into heavy conversations with Ernest, and get him to drop you off early, or drop him off early. Leave him wanting more. Then go back to occasional "thinking of you mail" and let him ask you out.
     This is where you cut Ernest off from seeing you casually for messing with the computer or for lunch or coffee. If he wants to see you he will have to ask you out properly. You can call him between 8:00 and 9:30 in the evening occasionally, and keep sending him the "thinking of you mail." But don't do anything to let him think of you as just a friend. Kiss him goodnight if you want to and the opportunity comes up, but don't just hug him.
7. Showing Ernest off. After you have gone out a few times and Ernest is good and smitten with you, you can introduce him to your friends. When you do this, do the "eyes on your man first" thing. When a friend says something to you, look at Ernest before you answer. Even a glance will do. Ernest probably won't consciously realize you're doing this, but your eyes have power over him.
     Now Ernest is yours. You can do anything you want with him at this point, but please be good to him.